The Narcissistic Relationship Cycle: From Love Bombing to Discard

This post builds on our overview of narcissistic personality disorder. If you’re trying to make sense of the push-pull dynamic in your relationship, understanding the typical cycle can help you see what’s happening more clearly.

You met someone amazing. They made you feel special, seen, and understood. Then, almost overnight, everything changed. Now you’re walking on eggshells, questioning your own memory, and wondering what happened to the person you fell for.

If this sounds familiar, you may have experienced what researchers call the narcissistic abuse cycle. Understanding this pattern can be the first step toward reclaiming your sense of reality.

Jessica’s Story

Jessica met Marcus at a friend’s party. Within two weeks, he was texting her constantly, sending flowers to her office, and telling her she was unlike anyone he’d ever met. He mirrored her interests perfectly. They loved the same books, shared values about family, and even the same obscure favorite band.

Three months in, he suggested they move in together. It felt fast, but everything had been so perfect. Jessica ignored the small voice that wondered why he didn’t have close friends or why his ex-girlfriend was “crazy.”

Then something shifted. Marcus started criticizing how Jessica loaded the dishwasher. Her promotion at work became “not that impressive.” When she mentioned feeling hurt, he told her she was “too sensitive” and “making problems where none existed.” The man who once texted her twenty times a day now gave her the silent treatment for days after minor disagreements.

Jessica spent months trying to get back to those first magical weeks, convinced that if she could just be better, calmer, less needy, Marcus would return to the person she fell in love with. What she didn’t understand yet was that the cycle she was trapped in was designed that way.

The Three Phases of the Narcissistic Relationship Cycle

Research on narcissistic relationship patterns has identified a predictable cycle that leaves partners confused and questioning their reality:

Phase 1: Idealization (Love Bombing)

This phase feels intoxicating. Your partner is attentive, complimentary, and moves the relationship forward quickly. The signs include excessive praise and gifts, an immediate desire to spend all their time with you, and a perfect mirroring of your interests and values, and talking about your future together after just weeks.

A University of Arkansas study on love bombing examined this behavior among 484 participants and found that love bombing was positively correlated with narcissistic tendencies and insecure attachment styles. The researchers identified love bombing as “excessive communication at the beginning of a romantic relationship to obtain power and control over another’s life as a means of narcissistic self-enhancement.”

The intensity isn’t about you. It’s about them securing what psychologists call “narcissistic supply”: attention, admiration, and validation that temporarily fills their internal void.

Love bombing serves a specific function. By creating an intoxicating beginning, the narcissistic partner establishes a reference point you’ll spend months or years trying to return to. That initial high becomes the carrot that keeps you chasing, even as the relationship becomes increasingly harmful.

Phase 2: Devaluation

Once the relationship feels secure, the shift begins. Sometimes gradually, sometimes suddenly, you notice criticism where there used to be compliments. Your accomplishments are minimized or ignored. Your feelings are dismissed as “too sensitive” or “dramatic.” They compare you unfavorably to others or give you the silent treatment and emotional withdrawal.

Research published in the Journal of Personality indicates that this devaluation serves a psychological function. It maintains the narcissistic individual’s sense of superiority. By keeping you off-balance and questioning yourself, they protect their fragile ego.

The devaluation phase can be particularly disorienting because it often includes intermittent positive moments. Just when you’re about to leave, they’ll have a good day and remind you of the person you fell in love with. This intermittent reinforcement is psychologically powerful and keeps you hoping things will improve.

During devaluation, you may find yourself constantly trying to figure out the “rules” of the relationship. You walk on eggshells, monitor your partner’s mood, and modify your behavior to avoid criticism. But the rules keep changing because maintaining your confusion is part of the control.

Phase 3: Discard and Hoovering

This might look like a sudden breakup, an affair revealed, or simply becoming emotionally unavailable. But often, it’s not truly the end. Many people experience “hoovering” (named after the vacuum cleaner brand), where the narcissistic partner attempts to suck you back in.

Hoovering happens because the relationship served a purpose: you provided validation. When they need that supply again or sense you’re moving on, they return with apologies, promises, or a brief return to the idealization phase.

The discard can be brutal. After investing months or years, you may be discarded with shocking coldness, often for reasons that make no sense. Or the discard may be more subtle. They become increasingly distant until you’re the one who finally ends things, allowing them to play the victim.

Why This Cycle Is So Hard to Break

This cycle creates what psychologists call a “trauma bond.” The intermittent reinforcement (periods of wonderful behavior followed by harmful behavior) activates the same brain pathways as addiction.

Research on traumatic bonding by Dutton and Painter identified two key features that cement emotional attachment to an abuser: the power differential and the intermittent style of “bad-good treatment.” Their studies found that even 10 months after leaving, the trauma bond remained strong for many survivors.

Your brain becomes wired to chase those “good moments,” always hoping the person from Phase 1 will return. The unpredictability of when affection will come creates a stronger psychological dependency than consistent positive treatment would. It’s similar to gambling. The occasional win keeps you playing despite consistent losses.

Neuroscience helps explain why leaving feels impossible. When you receive affection after a period of mistreatment, your brain releases dopamine, the same neurotransmitter involved in addiction. The relief and temporary reconnection after conflict becomes more powerful than consistent, healthy love would be.

Recognizing Where You Are in the Cycle

Understanding which phase you’re in can help you see the pattern more clearly:

You might be in idealization if:

• The relationship moved very quickly from meeting to commitment
• Your partner seems almost too perfect or too interested
• They’re mirroring your interests and values with uncanny precision
• You feel a nagging sense that something is “too good to be true”

You might be in devaluation if:

• You’re constantly confused about what you did wrong
• Small things trigger disproportionate reactions from your partner
• You feel like you’re walking on eggshells
• Your partner criticizes you for the same qualities they once admired
• You find yourself apologizing constantly, even when you’re not sure what you did

You might be in discard/hoovering if:

• Your partner has suddenly become cold or distant after an intense period
• They’ve ended things but keep reaching out intermittently
• You feel jerked around by mixed messages about their commitment
• They disappeared and then returned with elaborate explanations or promises

What to Do If You’re in This Cycle

If you recognize this pattern in your relationship, taking action can feel overwhelming. Start with these steps:

1. Document Your Reality

Keep a private journal (in a secure location) of incidents that trouble you. When you’re being told you’re “too sensitive” or “remembering wrong,” having your own record helps you trust your perceptions.

Write down specific things your partner said or did, how you felt, and what happened next. Over time, patterns will emerge that can’t be explained away.

2. Reconnect With Trusted People

Narcissistic partners often isolate their targets from friends and family. Even if relationships have become strained, reach out to people who knew you before this relationship. Their perspective can help you see what’s really happening.

You might be surprised how many people have noticed concerning patterns, but didn’t feel they could say anything. Breaking the isolation is crucial.

3. Learn About Trauma Bonding

Understanding that your difficulty leaving isn’t a personal failing but a predictable response to this pattern can reduce shame. The biochemical bond formed through intermittent reinforcement is real and powerful.

Read about trauma bonds and intermittent reinforcement. Recognize that what feels like love is your nervous system responding to an unpredictable reward schedule.

4. Work With a Trauma-Informed Therapist

A therapist who understands narcissistic abuse can help you process what’s happened and develop strategies for your specific situation. Individual therapy provides a space to rebuild your sense of reality.

Look for therapists who specifically mention experience with narcissistic abuse or trauma bonding. General couples counseling is typically not recommended when narcissistic abuse is present.

5. Create a Safety Plan

If you’re considering leaving, work with a counselor or domestic violence advocate to create a safety plan. The period around leaving can be the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship.

Even if you’re not ready to leave, having resources and a plan in place can help you feel less trapped. Domestic violence includes but isn’t limited to physical abuse. Patterns of control and manipulation are recognized forms of domestic violence.

How Domestic Violence Research Applies Here

You might be thinking, “But my partner never hit me.” Emotional and psychological abuse are recognized forms of domestic violence. Research on leaving abusive relationships is relevant here.

Domestic violence advocates report that it takes an average of 7 attempts to leave an abusive relationship before leaving permanently. This isn’t because victims are weak or indecisive. It’s because the barriers to leaving (emotional, financial, logistical, and psychological) are immense.

Each time you try to leave and return, you’re not failing. You’re navigating a complex situation where the abuse has been designed to make leaving feel impossible.

Moving Forward

If you’re in this cycle, you’re not alone, and you’re not crazy. The confusion you feel is a natural response to contradictory behavior designed to keep you off-balance. The difficulty leaving is a feature of trauma bonding, not a personal weakness.

Understanding the cycle is powerful, but it’s just the beginning. In the next post, we’ll explore the specific manipulation tactics used during these phases (including gaslighting, projection, and triangulation) and concrete strategies for protecting your mental health.

Whether you’re considering leaving or trying to make sense of a past relationship, support is available. At Firefly Therapy Austin, our therapists understand the complex dynamics of narcissistic abuse and can help you process your experience, rebuild your sense of self, and move toward healing. Reach out today to begin working with someone who understands what you’re going through.